On the Self

A coworker today asked which parent I identified with most. Most questions that are asked of me can be easily answered, but this one was much more difficult. Physically, my father and I are nearly identical; strangely, this is a trait my girlfriend has found to be attractive. What does that mean? Does she want to fuck my dad? Does she want to fuck both of us? These are the kinds of questions that keep me up at night.

But strictly speaking, I don't necessarily identify with either of my parents on a psychological level. They are conservative, supporting crazy shit like a flat tax and open gun rights and yadda yadda. These are ideas that I find repulsive in a literal sense. Don't get me wrong--my parents are fine people, and have done a great job raising a crazy kid, but I can't look at them and see myself. Apparently this is something you are supposed to see.

When I think about the people who've influenced my way of interpreting life, I am equally confounded. I think it's because I draw on everything around me. When I wake up in the morning, I am a blank slate, and I choose who I want to be that day. Granted there are a few commonalities between personas (I really like comics and my life's dream is get punched by Iron Mike Tyson), but overall, I like to keep people guessing.

Or do I? I don't know. I think being a randomized person (a fleshy iPod on shuffle) is a more romantic idea than actuality. More likely is that I'm in love with the idea of shifting; of being a different person from day to day. Almost certainly is that I want to avoid the eventuality of soul searching and discovering the person deep down.

I think I'd like what I find, but most others may not. Just a chance I don't want to take at the moment.