Carrying the Zero

As a skeptic, I am very interested in how the universe works. Currenlty I'm reading a book by Michio Kaku called Parallel Worlds, which has been the source of many, many nightmares. Theoretical physics has always been a weird interest of mine, because these guys are spitballing reasons as to why the universe is the way it is--philosophers in a scientific sense. But the things these cats can do... We've got scientists, probably somewhere in Switzerland, teleporting atoms across the room. Ladies and gentlemen creating blueprints for a physically-accurate time machine... These things terrify me. I have had nightmares about this.

In Back to the Future II, Marty travels into the future, and meets his future self, a loser. According to this book, this type of travel is not only possible, but likely on a quantum level--we could travel through a wormhole into a parallel universe and meet a different version of our own person. And this is the idea that I find mortifying: what if parallel Adam is more success than me? Better looking? What if he's some secret agent? Is that version more real than me? It's terrible to think about unrealized potential, but that's the lynch pin of M-Theory, and it really scares me.

It's hard to describe, but the feeling is like, "What would I do if I disappointed myself?" In a solitary universe, who cares? Who you are is who you are. But I've got millions--infinite!--versions of myself I have to live up to. As self-centered and sociopathic as it may seem, the one person I'm afraid to let down is myself. Somewhere in the jetsam of the multiverse, a version of me is lounging on a yacht, firing nuclear missiles at some Eastern European country. He just doesn't care. Adam Prime, though? Feeding his fat cat, writing his blog. How unfortunate.

On the other hand, how can you compare? A million different versions of myself won the lottery, bought big houses, and bet on contests that required a human being to die. Only one version is as messed up, vulnerable, crazy, and self-aware as me. That must count for something. I mean, on the bright side, all these geniuses can't figure out how to reach these alternate realities, so who do I have to impress? Myself? I'm not there yet, but it's coming. In the meantime, things are going to work out just fine.