You lose, say less

Just the first couple of words are hard. Why do I stop? Why have I ever stopped? Gears are churning, rust crumbles, locking and stopping. There are long sighs and then I power through. What is left is unfulfilling. The hard boot. I'll come back to that, I think.

Without a theme to wrap these around, I feel sort of lost. Instead of fighting this and eventually losing, I'm going to go with it. Just some stranded islands in my brain ocean.

--There are these opportunities in front of me, and I am double-slitting this shit to death. After floating aimlessly for so long it's scary to have a path. Multiple paths! Paralyzed by indecision, I just float by. I don't think I have it in me to do this anymore.

--Meeting people is easier. Stretches of inactivity and unavailability--mostly self-inflicted, if we are being honest here--are breaking like waves on the shore. Understanding that those who care for you really do is hard to grasp. Second-guessing everything accomplishes very little. This is all easy to say, but we are talking about chemical imbalances and wiring issues. I make a choice every day to be better and yet things exist as they are. At this point, insert French witticism here.

--Whenever I miss the freedom my younger years offered me, I always wonder: why am I less free now? What changed? There's gold in them hills.

--The ballet world is not ready for a husky wunderkind.

I feel exhausted already. Piles of work appear around me; it's daunting, but exciting. Time to knuckle down.

until an asteroid,
Adam