Wow It's Been A While

At a conference, I took a class about self-efficacy and another about self-advocacy. The main component of both classes focused on the human soul; not in a religious manner but rather in a balanced perspective of healthy body/healthy mind. When one or both are out of whack, it creates a void that we seek to have filled with any number of things. This is pretty boilerplate stuff, but he summarized it with the following: if your cup is empty, what do you have to give?

This dumb platitude has been rattling in my head ever since. Each time I am called upon to give something, I have no exuberance for it. I acquiesce, but only because I'm terrible at saying no. And instead of giving what I have overflowing, I take from reserves.

All of this is to say that I feel drained. And it's so stupid, considering I have a wonderful relationship with the woman I am going to marry, my friends are incredible-insightful-inspiring idiots, my family generally supports my sad-sack life... But--professionally speaking--I am drained, defeated, and it is spreading and metastasizing. My ex-boss used to write down the reasons she felt wronged by her employer, and would look upon these writings when she thought "Hey, this ain't so bad! Maybe I don't have to quit!" She would immediately be filled with a renewed sense of determination.

Sometimes, if I had any self-respect at all, I like to think I would walk out of this dumbass job. Is it mandatory? No. The world would continue to spin. No one would lose any sleep over it. It just sucks to look at the bigger picture--organizations look out for organizations. People rarely come into play when decisions are made. It's an abstract, dark metric that applies to most any company. There are shades of grey; there has to be some companies that are more willing to value individuals over bottom lines, at least some of the time. Do you really have to start your own company? And then, what do you do when you have to make these tough decisions with your own employees?

My friends don't seem to outwardly struggle with this as I do. What happened to me that so much of my self-worth and -esteem comes from how I perform professionally? Why did I chain myself to this dumbass company that seems more interested in potential outcomes versus real truth? Why keep shitty staff members around while the good, passionate ones are forced out? These questions seem sort of whiny to me, and I think that's because the answers should be obvious. Money/capitalism, it's easier to retrain than retain, etc. Those are the real answers, but it would logical to me that you'd promote and help the skills of sound employees flourish over settling with a lackluster person. It would seem logical that you would address situations in the workplace before a full-on hostile environment is formed. It would seem logical that an organizational structure would be in place that encourages productivity rather than chaos. All of this would seem logical, so it is doubly maddening that not only are these things ignored it seems as though they are actively worked against.

It's some weird middle-management, Dante's Inferno-esque hellscape. Not to be full of myself but it would seem that those who hold my position at this company have A) the most responsibility, both explicit and implicit, B) the least amount of power in order to enforce or enact change on company policies, and C) the most amount to lose when things invariably, inevitably go wrong. So a staff member threatens another staff member. Others confirm that this occurred. You'd think there would be some sort of punishment, if not outright termination, correct? You dummy! Of course not. In fact, no disciplinary action happens whatsoever. What a time to be alive!

Going back to what I mentioned earlier, of course organizations will put their well-being over the well-being of "replaceable" front-line/entry-level workers. That is the plain, shitty economic truth. But again, you'd think shades of grey would work in both directions. There is a convincing, verifiable account of a staff member threatening another staff member. This can be circumstantially proved through two separate--and, in my mind--trust-worthy eyewitness accounts. But the aggressor in this situation refuses to say that it occurred, another staff member offers a differing view point (this differing perspective is bananas, too: this person says that the aggressor did not use vulgar language while threatening the other staff member. So, no swears, but the threat still occurred! Again, what a time to be alive!), and it seems as though more people are encouraged to protect shitty organizational interests (dur, don't want to be in a lawsuit that we would eventually win because dur money) which brings us back to square one.

Man. I never thought I would be accused of caring too much in the workplace. This is a job that I took knowing full well that it was thankless, paid little, and the company offered exactly one course for professional advancement--an advancement tree I have climbed to the fullest. In fact, "advancement tree" is too grandiose a word. "Advancement well-manicured grass" is a much more accurate description of the dizzying heights I can reach. Not to toot my own horn again, but when the directorship position opened up, the two candidates most appropriate for this position (myself and my girlfriend) were not chosen. Again, that's being to generous. We were not even considered for the position. No interviews. No process. A successor was chosen, and to say that she has been found wanting... What did she have to give in the first place?

Organizations, man. You can crusade for the rights of the people that work for you, the rights of your co-workers, and the well-being of your clients, but if these don't align with company expectations... Why waste the time? It's a nice optic that those around see that you are passionate about them. An advocate. But it's a dumb shell game, because there is no ball. There isn't even a lump of shit under the shell. It's all empty. You just lose every time, and there are no refunds. It digs and digs.

Plus, my cat has to go the vet and he hates that shit. He hates his carrier; he freaks out and pisses all over it. He works himself into a lather and begins to drool and make this baleful meowing that is heartbreaking. I worry, but I have to do it. My girlfriend was right: I'd rather have the piece of mind that he's okay and suffer the stupid consequences of feeling guilty.

There are positives, though. My girlfriend is amazing. We just got back from Disney World, which was equal parts amazing and torturous. I'll say this about Disney World: it is the child abuse capital of the world. If I had a nickel for each time I saw a weary parent clamp down on a four-year-old's arm and scream--actually scream--about not following the directions, I'd be rich. Eh... Whatever. I don't have kids, and that icky part of your brain that loves awkward moments is pleased. They don't serve alcohol at the Magic Kingdom, though, so watch out. It's hard to handle all that crap without a solid buzz. The best part was probably Epcot Center, which is full of mildly educational rides followed by a whole city of ethnic food and drinks. We drank some hideous Norwegian beverage ("fermented at the equator"), got bombed on Japanese sake, and drank the wines of Germany, France, and Italy. I can say I did like Epcot. I can say that.

I find it tougher to accurately and at length discuss the positive things. It is cathartic to vent about dumb stuff. But the good things? Those are mine, to share with those close. Doesn't seem the proper venue.

Well, that's about another day done at work. Time to start drinking.