It's Not Easy Being Green

This one is from the archives! Enjoy.

I remember growing up and watching The Muppets and The Muppet Babies. “Watching” probably doesn’t capture the essence of what I did; in the case of The Muppet Babies, I would pretend to be sick to stay home from school to watch this show. I did this until I was 17 years old. I knew Rowlf was a pimp before I even knew what a pimp was; Statler and Waldorf probably played a larger part than my parents in shaping my personality. And then, of course, there’s Kermit the Frog, who was loveable and dopey and kind of a pussy. Now, speaking for all of us at Reactionary Century, you should never, under any circumstance, hit a woman. That being said, I’d fucking kill Miss Piggy with a shovel.

Kermit’s big claim to fame was his catchphrase and signature song, It’s Not Easy Being Green. This sentiment couldn’t be anymore prescient; “being green” or being an environmentalist or whatever is, I guess, a pretty good thing. And popular, too! It seems everyone has opinion on where my old newspaper and cardboard ends up. Judging by the stares I get, my best guess is it goes up my neighbor’s ass, but that’s not really the point. The point is that being green is great, but everyone is doing it wrong. So, as a scientist/magician, I thought it was my duty to educate people on how to really stay green. The following will ensure that you are truly green and not some judgmental faux-environmentalist. I’m the judgmental one here, assholes. Anyway! The tips:

 DON’T buy anything. According to The Sierra Club, every product available for purchase contains some part of a bald eagle. The shrink-wrap on that Iron Man DVD you just bought is actually made of a film that’s produced when you take eagle eyeballs and boil them. I’m pretty certain this is true. Consumer products aren’t shipped by truck or train or plane anymore, either. About twelve eagles are attached to a crate, and they just fly around the country. This of course exhausts and kills the eagles, but we don’t feed the dead eagles to the homeless or anything, we just let them sit there. You can eat the eagles in China, though. I guess we know where the real democracy is, don’t we?

 DON’T leave your house. Every time you start a car, millions of tons of pollution are released into the air. This pollution forms a protective cocoon around the earth, keeping it warm and melting the ice caps and generally providing more opportunities to swim. Swimming is an amazing aerobic exercise, so people who fight this “global warming” are also pro-obesity. Doesn’t that fact just make you sick? The reason you shouldn’t leave your house is simple: the swimming pools are coming to you, so why bother? That’s just common sense.

 DON’T have sex with anyone, ever. Something tells me that if you’re reading this website, that’s probably not going to be a problem anyway. But overpopulation is a big issue for the health of our planet. With such a huge number of people roaming the earth, it was only a matter of time before someone just decided to give vapid human atrocities the limelight. I find myself wondering what advanced civilizations will make of our time on the planet. Here’s hoping they annihilate us for our bad decisions!

 DO protest something. Protesting is the greasy eagle’s oil that lubricates change in our society. All real environmentalists know that standing on a street corner, holding a sign, and chanting “What do we want? _______! When do we want it? Now!” is how all social movement has occurred throughout the country’s history. I don’t even care what you decide to protest; the sheer act of protesting displays a sort of unity that prompts our leaders to get shit done. Ah, I’m just kidding. Protesting is about as useful as writing a letter to your local congressman. But still protest, though. I have a fantasy of driving down the street, opening my car window, and throwing a hamburger at some guy’s chest.

 DO quit school. Do you have any idea at all how many trees are needlessly killed in order to make all those books that no one ever reads? If you’re sitting at your computer thinking, “Gosh, Adam, I certainly read those books in high school,” go back to your Dungeons and Dragons campaign, nerd. I was too busy partying with the cool kids to read your precious books. Besides, what did school ever do for you? Your fancy-pants education has done wonders saving the planet. Leave the thinking to the real geniuses.

It may seem like I’m coming down hard on you “green” folk. That’s because I am. Being the smartest person in the room is a burden I don’t enjoy bearing, but someone has to save the planet. As Kermit said, it’s not easy being green.